Crossroads...

It is said that a man carries his sins beyond his body, beyond a life, across several destinies...I wonder if it's true. One of the most difficult things for a man is to live with himself. When you live with yourself you witness the pure chaos that is running inside. The darkness that roams inside. Mankind has the most organized of societies because he can't live with himself. It'll kill him. When occasionally he's forced to turn inside he sees such pure endless labyrinth that it makes him scared. Turning out is the process of forgetting. Forgetting that there's an abyss that's waiting for you inside and you're standing right on the edge. A constant occupation is required to stay on the edge. But there are times when you're forced to look inside when the answers are not outside. And you must face your personal demons, fight for answers and win. A time which decides what you are and who you are. 

But it begs the questions why is it that man carries these demons inside him? When a child is born, is he born with this darkness which spreads with age or is it something that he acquires after he gains form? If one's born with it than there's no choice. You can't prevent it. All you can do is to prepare yourself for the confrontation. Then life is merely a battlefield which requires you to survive...against those who are outside and that which is inside. Then there's little music in life. And he who devised it must have been a Sadist. I sometimes wonder if that's how life should be. If it's not how it should be then how should it be? Why is it that every life is born with a seed of darkness and that every life must fight regardless of its will. But the most disturbing thing is that you're not even told what awaits you. When you're busy earning your bread for the day suddenly you realize the darkness that is facing you and it throws you a little off balance. You don't know what to do about it. As a young man you're are prepared to face a lot of things you'll encounter in this world but what do you do when your own heart stands against you? What do you do then? 

One has no way of knowing which way to take. There are crossroads that demand a choice, and sometimes a choice takes you on a route that hurls you so far from where you'd want to be that all that remains is a memory. Life is a strict one-way. Once a road is taken there's no way to go back to the same crossroad again. Maybe, a cruel fate might take you to the same crossroad in your life but everytime you stand there's something new to lose. Sometimes, life's a little like that. Nothing more than deciding what to lose next. And no matter how long you'd want to stand at this crossroad, time does not allow you that freedom, it drags you by the hair and the first couple of times you feel desolate, destitute. But after a little while when you catch on the game you realize that everytime there's a crossroad you must lose onething or the other and must choose. It's an education in ruthlessness. 

Now, the problem is not that it's a difficult game. On the other hand it's the simplest thing to do. Everybody does it, according to his circumstances, his intelligence, his morals. There are many formulas that can be applied. The most intelligent and superior minds have tussled with how to solve this dilemma. They have come up with numerous theories. There's a lot to buy in the shop. The fashion keep on changing and so does the formulas. There are times when morality is in hot demand and in those times you choose on morality. You lose then too but there's a satisfaction to be enjoyed. People come up to you and tell you that you did a great deed. It's a sacrifice and you'll be blessed for it. Other times when morality is passe then you go for intelligence and people claim how clever you're. Regardless of the tool you use to make that choice you always lose something. But losing with something in fashion lessens the pain somewhat. It's food for the ego. You're noble or smart or shrewd...whatever shit you want to be. 

And the really surprising thing is that you don't question the reason why you need to choose. You don't say I don't want to make a choice between this and that. What if I want both this and that? What if I don't want to lose? What if you really worked hard enough on it maybe there's a way that you don't need to lose either? But you're afraid to do it. You don't want to break the chain and stand out. Years of conditioning makes you resistant to imagination. If everybody else is losing then you must too. What a choas it'll create if you win, what jealousy, what hatred you'd incur if you're able to sidestep this crossroad!!! But that's the challenge; can you go against the grain and against your conditioning and against everything but your heart, not in choosing one over the other but looking for something that is the synthesis of both.